the 07/24/2008

Mariah Carey - Touch My Body

Mariah Carey - Touch My Body

 

A shiny black Volkswagen rolls into shot, its side adorned with anugly badge that reads COMPU NERD. The camera follows it as it pullsup in front of one of the biggest, glitziest houses we think wemight ever have seen.

Welcome one and all to the greatest mix of celebrity homeprogramming, sexual fantasy and downright oddness since ... well,since Mariah was on Cribs in 2002 (during her "troubled" period).The very look of this house lets us know what we are in for:full-on glamour, glitz and divapop from the queen of them all, thewoman who's only had as many US No 1s as Elvis and is fast catchingup on the Beatles. It's ...

And with that, as if we summoned her into being by the very mentionof her name, Mariah Carey opens the door in her underwear.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

a) In her underwear? What a funny place to have a door! Boom Boom!(Punchline circa 1938)

b) That's not Mariah Carey, or if it is, she's aging in a mannerthat makes her look exactly like Kenneth the Page from fabulous award-winning comedy series 30 Rock .

Well, that's because it IS him, or rather him doing an impressionof Mariah.

Mariah is also there, but we shall not bother her yet as she isbusy acting. And if you have had the pleasure of watching Glitter - and so few have - you will know that it quite enough to begetting on with for now. Mariah leads the nerd through the house,her gown blowing open and exposing bra, suspenders and what look tobe boxer shorts below.

In the kitchen, they discuss computer problems through the mediumof singing the first verse of Touch My Body while pointing at acomputer. This is not a way to explain your issues to your ITsupport.

Trust me, we've tried it.

After disrobing, Mariah strides off down a corridor, apparentlyfilled with smoke, with a backward and lustful glance. Before youknow it, Ms Carey has changed into the next of many outfits: a tinytiny dress, some sort of rugby socks and kitten heels. This, infact, is the beginning of a rollercoaster of costumes and scenariosand rooms, each more spectacular than the last.

Suddenly, we move to the bedroom and see Mariah and Kenneth livingit up, as they always say, where the magic happens.

If by magic, that is, you mean spanking. And pillow fights. WithViking hats on. And some more spanking.

Much larking about is done. All comedically obviously - the gueststar being one of the most popular male comedy actors of themoment. Of course, he's as camp as Kenneth, which is a little odd,but you have to presume that is why he got chosen for the video.

Still. The innocent, childish frolicking sits a little oddly withthe song. You know: lyrically.

"Touch my body!" sings Mariah breathlessly as we see them rollingaround in sportswear and school uniforms, fighting over a frisbee...

"F-unconvincing-radio-edit-silence me on the floor!" she demands,tunefully, as they feed each other stringy lumps of somethingstraight out of the fridge while wearing colourful pyjamas.

"If there's a camera in here then I best not catch this flick onYouTube," Carey croons, to the visual accompaniment of them playinglaser-quest in clubwear. Quite possibly in a windsock.

There is lyrical talk of curves and thighs and licking while wewatch them, dressed in regal velvet cloaks and tutus, walkingMariah's pet unicorn.

It's all very, very playful.

Which is not to say it's Neverland. There's a sexual edge to allthe larking. A sense of role-play, perhaps, with all the fingerwaggling and tutting and spanking and frisbee fetching and crawlingup stairs to lay flowers at people's ankles ...

And the ...

... no, hang on. Can we just go back a second?

Mariah's.

Pet.

Unicorn.

Thank you. Some things are worth mentioning more than once.

All of which, though, makes it a weird mix of funny ha-ha and funnypeculiar as we see this beautiful woman in nine different tiny tinyoutfits. Don't get me wrong. If I had a body as kicking as that,you'd be lucky to get me into clothes at all.

Mariah sings what are possibly some of the racier phrases to emergefrom anything connected with the title E=MC2 .

But then a hand taps Kenneth the Page.

Oh! He wakes up and - like the end of a million primary schoolstories - it was all a dream. A brusque and fully dressed Mariah istalking to him.

Pickard: backtoreality

"The download speed was killin' me," she acts. "Please tell me youmanaged to manage to upgrade it to 802.11n ?"

"Yes!" he says.

"Cool. Thank you. Security's gonna let you out," she replies. Andis gone.

And that is it. Was it all a fevered dream on the part of Kenneththe fey, innocent and clearly very playful IT support guy? Or havewe actually been watching the debauched few hours that, under theinfluence of a drug slipped to him by a woman who answershousecalls from tech services in her undergrundies, Kenneth maynever clearly remember. I know what I suspect, but we may neverknow for sure. One thing we can hold onto, though:

There was a sodding unicorn in it.

Mariah's back, good and proper. She's back, and she's fullyembracing her Mariahness. And then some.

THE END

Watch the video here .

Some of Mariah's infamous full-episode 2002 Cribs can be found here - and some here , though it seems to have been largely exorcised from the webotherwise. Probably best.

Have you seen a good video recently that you think should befeatured in this column? If so, write to me at anna.pickard@guardian.co.uk stating what it is, and why...